a Horrendously Sucky poem for my Highschool Sweetheart

First a brief explanation for this piece of crap: Sometimes in life we have sudden thoughts and realizations about things we thought were solidly in the past and that we’d completely recovered from. In these situations I write to help it get out of my head. Otherwise, I’ll dwell on it for far too long and play out the situation in my head over and over with different outcomes. Writing is a much better outlet, especially when what I want in that moment isn’t something appropriate to ask for or I’m half a world away from the person (or in this case, both). 

Alright, now here’s what I’m very charitably referring to as a poem:

Can I ask for something really selfish?

What we had was immature


but when things were good

I was really happy


You were my first love

You should have been my first kiss

Instead, that was stolen by my assaulter

Though years ago

it haunts me still


So, would you do me a favor?

Let’s pick a memory and relive it


when it feels right,

kiss me.


Kiss me like you would have then,

when we were young and happy.

When we loved each other

and I was too naïve to see it would never work.



Help me rewrite history.


A ramble about friendship and loss.

Few things are as soothing to the soul as talking with your best friend, especially when you are an emotional clam like me. On the outside I am hard and strong, desperately clamped shut so that my delicate interior is safe. I’ve never been able to share my self with others. I can feign friendliness all day, many people think I’m an extrovert because I am a friend to many people. What they don’t see, is that I’ve not allowed any of those people to be a friend to me.

I know it’s not healthy. I should be able to open up to others, accept help, support and love. I. Just. Can’t. Is it fear? Lack of trust? It just never came naturally to me. Sure, I’ve had people call me their best friend, and to them I was. But I always did the listening, and I shared just enough to make them feel close to me too. I enjoy being there for people, helping them grow and develop into their best selves.

It wasn’t until I placed myself halfway across the world from home that I found someone who made me feel as comfortable as I seem to make others feel. Unfortunately, due to visa issues she was ripped away from me prematurely. We’re both rubbish and communicating long distance so we do a terrible job communicating with each other, oh but when we do, the world changes. All the stress melts away as she detangles the knots in my heart. We take equal turns fixing each other, there is no judgment. Only acceptance, understanding, and love.

When I first met her, I hardly even spoke with her. I was transferred to a different location and didn’t expect to ever see her again. After a few months she got transferred to the same place. We became neighbors. At first I spent time with her in the way I usually do with people, to help them. However, somehow we started to open up to each other, one stitch at a time. After a while we confided with each other that we both held the same fatal defect. The burning desire to be known, but the inability to share our true selves with others.

At first it was terrifying. Each time I would share something new with her my heart would race, I’d stammer over my words, which is an odd feeling for someone known for being extremely articulate. She, in turn, would also open up with the same level of reluctance. It became easer and easer and now I feel I can tell her anything. She is my best friend. And then she left. I miss her all the time.


The Least Technical Poem I’ve Ever Written.

I went back to the place we fell in love

And roamed the crowed streets alone

The sights

The smells

I thought it might feel empty without you


But it was so alive

I felt so alive


I went back to the place we fell in love

It hasn’t changed much but we have

It’s ended

It’s done

I worried I feel closer to you there


But I’ve never felt further away

And it was liberating


I went back to the place we fell in love

But I realized

It was the place I loved all along